I never knew I wanted a kid until Jake was pulled out of me. I remember the instant feeling that came over me, that I had to protect this little boy at all times. The ony thing I could think of was to send Mike into the nursery with Jake. I didn't want anyone switching my baby for another...and trust me he was cute...someone would have wanted to trade him out! The love you feel for your child...instantly....it was crazy.
Last weekend we were driving to St. George for a quick visit with Mike's parents. I jumped into the back seat with the boys for a bit cause Jake was crying. "I want to hold you" he kept saying. He was getting tired and wanted to fall alseep, which he usually does with me hugging him. So I climbed back there with him. He instantly locked his arm around mine. Holding hands he started to fall asleep. I tried to pry myself loose from his arm thinking he was alseep and he grab on so I wouldn't let go. I sat back wondering how long this would last. How long will he want to hold my hand? How long will he climb up onto the back of a chair I'm sitting in to hug me from behind? How long will he come up and say "I love you mom"?
We went to Little Gym last night and we ran around on the mat for the first few minutes. All the kids are running around and being wild and crazy. Jake ran around holding my hand the whole time. If he let go to freeze or to jump or something, he grabbed my hand again as we started to run. I found myself thinking again, how long will this last?
I loved reading this post about perspective and being in the present. Because these times won't last forever. I will have time to live my life for me later. Right now I need to and want to focus on my kids and be present for them. The moments and conversations with Jake won't last forever. Sam's smiling everytime I pick him up and giggling when he's getting dressed will end. I have to remind myself that I will only get these moments once. Sam's cute little face when his finishes his bottle, or how he tries to hold it already cause he's so hungry...those moments will be over in a blink of an eye. I remind myself of this when I'm getting irritated because I want to get my quilt finished. Or Sam is waking up 2 hours after his last feeding. These are the moments I'm gonna miss. Stay focused, stay present. Keep holding their hands for as long as they'll let me.